Yuk Yuk Yuk...

Oh this is soooo lovely.

I should explain before I begin to describe what has me so elated, just exactly what it is I do for a living.

I'm an Information Technology professional, who works in the retail automotive industry. In other words, I'm a tech nerd who sells cars for a living. I push iron, as we say in the car biz.

Now I don't personally sell cars, however I have. As a matter of fact, I was raised in the car business. My father is the only honest man I have ever met in this industry, and he has been successful in spite of his character. I take a lot of pride in my work, and enjoy being around hot cars all day.

What I do specifically is consulting. I have tried to describe my job in a lot of ways, but the only way that makes any sense is consulting. I work for one dealer at a time, generally, and I'm hired because they know I can make them do everything better. My services specifically include tech-related (system upgrades, better sales software, new hardware, etc.) sales training, management training, finance & insurance brokerage, and marketing / business development.

Essentially I do everything in a dealership because I can. My experience with every side of this shady industry is pretty deep and if I had enough hands I could run a dealer of my own. The marketing side of the job is a big part though, mostly because I love it and it provides the most dramatic results. These results lead to extended employment (contract) with the dealer and increased pay...so of course I love it.

And that is why I am so happy at the moment.

I came to work here in Claremont about 2 months back, with the full intention to make this puppy fly. Only open for a few months, and not selling anything out of its new multi-million dollar location, 4 Wheels' Connection, needed a boost. I was hired because of my experience making the most out of each sales opportunity. You see, this is all a dealer needs to sell cars:

1) Lots of cars
2) lots of people coming by to buy them.

People try to make it sound difficult, but the truth is...if you bring them, they will buy.

So while thats all fine and dandy, and I'm good at my job, blah blah blah; it turns out one of the managers here doesn't like me. In fact, he is one of those rare individuals who hates me from the get-go. I come across this once in a blue moon and it's always the same reason; territory.

This guy, we'll call him Captain Dipshit, is #2 in charge at the dealer I work. The head cheese, we'll call him "The Head Cheese" (original eh?) loves me, but is currently focused 100% of the time at our new location in Arizona. This leaves Capn' Dipshit running the show...badly. Now understand, he isn't stupid and he isn't incapable of doing his job. He's just a control freak who likes to have his mits in everything. It just so happens his job is easy to do and mine requires skill.

This is why I was hired, they wanted a pro doing the job.

When I'm hired, I'm given some guarantees. These include tools for the job, operational budgets, and timelines that cover what they expect -- and when I can deliver. These are well defined, agreed upon when I shake hands and come aboard, and set into motion.

The problem is, Head Cheese has to run off to head up the expansion due to an unexpected development; the guy he hired to expand Arizona left the company unexpectedly. Now it just so happens that the guy who left, was the fella who brought me into the company to begin with. He's an old friend of mine, and a business partner I have relied on for a lot before. Of course, I could kick him in the nuts for calling Capn' Dipshit a "Amateur Camel Jockey" before leaving...but oh well.

Long story short, Capn' thinks I'm all flash and holds a grudge for anyone who does something he thinks he can do better. I come in and develop a very successful marketing strategy, implement the campaign, get the puppy of the ground...holy shit folks this bitch is flying. I get 5 weeks of a 12 week initial strategy plan, and things are looking good. You can gauge the effectiveness of a campaign a lot of ways but the most important is "did it sell any cars?". The good news, yes. We paid for the complete marketing budget with the sales attributed to it.

So Capn' Dipshit pulls the marketing budget, sticks me in the sales dept., and decides he needs to review my employment. Of course.

Now, I was hired by Head Cheese, not this nimrod. I don't have a ton of respect for Dipshit, because he hasn't ever sold a car in his life. He's merely a bean-counter who runs the business side of the store. The thing you have to understand is that sales translates into everything here. There is no service department, there is no DMV clerk, there are no accountants, no lawyers, no anything.

If we don't sell cars, we don't operate. It's a food chain, really.

So Dipshit calls me into his office an hour ago, and decides he's gonna gloat. He took everything and behind my back, ran an entire credit union sale -- with flyers, balloons, and a Penny Saver insert. (The Penny Saver is the southern California coupon book / mailer that comes out weekly)

Dipshit is so proud of himself, that he faxes over a copy of his inserts, flyers, and expense reports to Head Cheese. Then he makes sure Head Cheese is on the speakerphone for this little triumph of his. The following is a transcript of the event:

Dipshit: "Come in here 7, I want Head Cheese to hear this."

Me: "Okay, what’s up?"

Dipshit: "Here is what we are going to be doing from here on. I am handling all of the marketing from here on and we're going to have to look at what you..."

Head Cheese: "What the fuck?"

Me / Dipshit: "Huh?"

Head Cheese: "Hey Dipshit, what's our telephone number?"

Dipshit: "866-995-OVER"

Head Cheese: "That's what I thought. So why the fuck is the number in this ad 888-995-OVER?!"

Dipshit: "What?!?! No way" He then shuffles a Penny Saver to his face "Oh fuck."

Head Cheese: "7, what the fuck are you doing over there? You just wasted.....lemme check here..."

(Sound of paperwork shuffling, to a look of horror on Dipshits' face)

Head Cheese: "You just wasted over $27,000 dollars!!! Do you know why you wasted $27,000 dollars, 7? Do you?"

Me: "I would imagine because nobody is gonna call on the phones because the number is wrong."

Head Cheese: "Exactly smartass, so you know what that means?"

Me: "That whomever did this, is fired?"

Head Cheese: "Bingo, guess who that is."

Me: "Well, that's funny boss...because you see, your second in command here was just talking about how he removed me from the marketing department and is personally handling it himself."

Dipshit: "[cough] Okay, look......Head Cheese, um"

Head Cheese: "Huh? You did this? How long have you been handling the ad's...and what the hell have you had 7 doing since then?"

Dipshit: "Look, it's not that bad...the people will still show up with the flyer in their hands. This is an effective..."

Head Cheese: "Oh, is that so? So what you're saying is you put an address or a map on the ad? Good...because for a minute there I thought you had made this a complete waste of money."

(beautiful silence...there is no address on the ad, and Head Cheese knows that)

Head Cheese: "7, please give us a minute. I need to talk to Dipshit here."

Me: "Uh, I don't work here anymore."

Head Cheese: "Shut the fuck up, yes you do. You're my bitch, and apparently I've been paying you to do something, I don't know what...but you haven't been doing what I hired you for. You bet your ass you work for me."

Me: "Well if you put it that way, sure thing. i'll get back to work on my real job. Have fun Dipshit."

This is where I took the invoice for the Penny Saver from Dipshit's hand, and a copy of the ad. I looked at him and mouthed "I'll take care of this." as I walked out the door...smiling.

Yeah, this is delicious.