Halooooooo....

"Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something..."

"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

"Probably ... the toughest time ... in anyone's life ... is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil."

"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."

"People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps."

"How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand."

"Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy."

"I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy."

"I was walking down the street, something caught my eye ... and dragged it fifteen feet."

"You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers. Damn anthropologists."

"I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator."

"The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson."

"I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks."

"My girlfriend said, "Emo, I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

"Well, the next day I caught her in bed with this other guy. I was crushed. I said, "Get off me, you two!"

"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."

"You know what I hate? Indian givers...no, I take that back."

"When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me."

"...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"

- Emo Philips



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So this site once again scores a homerun for me by helping a good friend of mine find me with a simple search engine. He taught me one of my first lessons in chess about getting your knights in position. This may not sound like much to some, but I still base a good number of my formations from that basic pattern.

You see...Ken is a Murkot. Murkots are a special race of people you might have been lucky enough to bump into during your travels, but if you have not -- this is the definitive guide to Murkots and their kind. They've served our country in our armed forces, schoolrooms, and hospitals. Murkots are identified by their tremendous height, superior intelligence, and terribly thin frames.

They also know a lot about microwaved bread.

The patriarch of the Murkot clan is Kathy, a wonderful woman who has been like a second mother to me my entire life. In fact, our two families spent a significant number of years either living together or closeby. The Murkots have known me since I was a dorky little kid and it should be noted that Bob Murkot singlehandedly molded me into the greatest frog catching tour de über-force in history.

Didja see that? I crafted a witty French & German nonsensical compound word.