Kung Fooey...

I've retyped this post twice now, it's got me that furious.



I'm going to boil it down, because I get emotional about this subject. It involves "experts" endangering the lives of others because of their own fears and insecurities. In some cases, I believe it's outright negligent and destructive behavior -- and that the perpetrators should all be brought to my front door so I can personally hand them a real ass whoppin.

Let me explain.

Today, while my wife and I were discussing Christmas shopping and holiday plans, the television was on in the background. Montel Williams was talking away and I hear him say that there is a guest coming on who is going to demonstrate that there is a self defense course out there that "Really works".

I perked up, to say the least. After the commercial break, Montel introduced a newswoman named Sheriee Paolello. She did a story on a self defense "expert" who claimed he had the secrets to protecting yourself from any attacker. She admitted that she was skeptical at first, being a mere 95 lbs, 5 feet tall and she always wears heels, but her expert, Mike Gardner, was confident he could make it happen.

Intro quickly edited scenes of our newswoman and her trainer performing a number of loud "hiya!" infused maneuvers. You've seen them before; they're the ones where a little woman does a jump for the attackers neck and miraculously overtakes the assailant. As you watch these scenes, you hear her explaining that the instructors from "The Survival Institute", where she trained, have a comprehensive program that can empower even the smallest person with the know-how to take down a large adult male bent on attacking you. As she's saying these things, you see her trainer, a former fireman or police officer of some sort, falling over and feigning pain so badly that it really only hurts to watch. You see her looking so surprised and elated that her little double thumb-strike to his throat worked so well. You then see him working very hard to convince her that it was.

Then, mixed between these scenes I see her performing a maneuver where she is grabbing a semi-automatic pistol from the attackers hand, pushing it out of the way, and delivering an elbow strike to the head - again, with a loud scream coming from the little newswoman.

If you didn't know already, I've spent a very long time in combat training. I've seen everything under the sun from giant padded goons performing pseudo-muggings, to little keychain tonfa toys. I've seen grown women practically snap into a zombie trance and find something deep inside that they never knew they had. I've seen soft spoken mail clerks and grandmothers alike, swagger out of a gymnasium after a 30 minute course, like they had a 10lb hammer for a fist. I've seen it all.

And I'm here to tell you, its all bullshit. Seriously, its all crap. I'm not kidding you. Take it from me, and I would know having faced off against literally hundreds of "martial artists" -- it's all mental masturbation designed to bilk you out of cash. The entire industry, and I do mean industry, of the American martial arts community...is a fraud. It's a fantastic example of capitalism at its finest; locating a sucker with fears who's willing to throw money at them.

The same people tell you that every technical college and trade school must be overflowing with artists and 3D video game designer students because there are just too many jobs for them! Oh, we'll send you this art test to determine if you have the "natural talent" required. See the frog with the newsboy cap? Trace him and you could enroll and become the next Renoir!! Just send $19.95 to....

Don't believe me? Okay, what do you think Tae Kwon Do is? Seriously, do you think this is a Korean martial art designed for self defense? Okay, you probably have no idea why I'm so pissed, what the hell it has to do with the Montel Williams show, or what the hell I'm ranting on about. So, I'm gonna let you in on a little known secret.

Everything from Karate to Kenjitsu is exercise with testosterone drizzled on top.

Now, I don't want to offend the people who have actually dedicated their lives to the study of any form of martial arts. Understand, that your studies are valid and they mean a lot to you. I understand how much pride you take in developing your body and mind. I know the personal satisfaction you feel when you accomplish the next goal; the next level. I also know, intimately, the benefits of submitting to years of discipline for the purpose of bettering oneself.

I also know you will get your ass beat if you tangled with someone who actually knew how to fight.

I know this will ruffle a lot of feathers, but it's because so many people inject their entire self-image around things like this. Men are so stereotypical in the deep down recesses of their id, that they're damn near textbook. The American male, structures a significant amount of his self-confidence and masculine identity around the concept that he knows how to fight. Even if he knows he doesn't, and isn't that big a guy...he still does this in some way. He visualizes scenarios where he conquers the bad guy. He gets the girl, and his buddies all applaud.

I'm not kidding, and you guys who know its true find it difficult to read because its so true. Squirm all you like, I got a pair of balls too. I know how the mind works.

You get a guy "into" something like NASCAR, bowling, or golf...and they become obsessed. If it's something the other guys in the locker room find cool, then they go up a notch on the cool dude meter among men. This means he automatically has to buy merchandise and demonstrate his knowledge of this "thing" he is so proud of -- repeatedly in front of said friends. It could be crappy NFL cheesehead hats, or obscure musical trivial....it doesn't matter. It's an opportunity for a man to strut in front of the other apes.

Martial arts, in America, have become another one of these obsessions. I swear I'm going to kick the teeth out of the next loser who tells me to hold his wrists so he can show me "what to do in this situation". Watching the television, I see this Mike Gardner guy, demonstrating the disarming and incapacitating of an armed assailant (who has a fucking GUN) with a technique that is guaranteed to get you killed. He's out there, telling 95lb women that they can take out a 200+lb, 6ft attacker, HOLDING A GUN, with an elbow strike to the head. An elbow strike, mind you, that is performed while they are grasping the muzzle of a loaded firearm with an arm that is crossing their own chest. I'm not kidding, this deuchbag said this with a straight face.

Unlike Mr Gardner, I've actually disarmed a gun toting guard and knocked him on his ass for sticking that gun in my face.

I didn't use a systematic approach to the situation, and I sure as fuck didn't hit him with my elbow. I didn't even think. The guy stuck the gun in my face as I turned a corner (he was startled, and I was looking down at my feet as I walked) and within half a heartbeat I had his pistol in my free hand while he was sitting on the floor holding his face together. How do these two situations differ? The first difference is I'm fucking huge and strong as an ox. Second, I'm faster than damn near everyone I know (even for a fatass), and third, I have something called muscle memory.

That's right, muscle memory.

You've heard of this before. Its the stuff that keeps gymnasts from cracking their heads on those balance beams, and professional ballplayers throwing strikes over home plate. It comes from years and years of putting your body through the same motions. Beating synaptic cowtrails through your nervous system to recreate nearly involuntary muscle routines. I disarmed the guard because he was standing within arms reach and he scared the shit out of me.

Ask Kayla what happens when she throws her hand too close to my face when she's screwing around and she'll tell you all about headbutts and all manner of terrible things muscle memory can bring an opponent who startles me. Then ask her if in the 8 years she's known me -- has she's ever seen me in a fight?

She'll tell you no. I don't let situations like that happen when she's around.

I went home shaking in my boots from that incident with the gun. The guard explained what happened after a few moments of me screaming at him (with his own gun in my hand) about him sticking a loaded gun in my face. He just wanted to get out of there, and load the pilot-case of money he had next to him in his truck. When he brought up the truck, I snapped to the concept of his partner who had to be coming this way any second now. I immediately freaked about what that partner of his must be thinking with his buddy on the ground, nose bleeding, and a gun in my hand.

Long story short, we parted ways wishing that had never happened.

But seriously, you can't teach that. It's not something you prepare for. It's not a "If a guy sticks a gun in your face, you do this" kind of BS moment. I was walking into a grocery store to buy propane for fuck sake! And while I love kung-fu flicks, I've NEVER seen the propane buying Jackie Chan, grocery store ninja-assassin scene. You just can't prepare for moments like that.

So what would have happened if the guard wasn't a guard? What if he were a mugger? What if he were 4 feet away from me with the gun pointed at me? What would I do then?

I'd hand him my wallet, my keys, and suggest he have a joyride in my car. I'd assure him I wasn't going to call the cops for at least an hour so he can get away without a chase. That's right. No chop fooey, and I know dozens of official Aikido, Jujitsu and Shotokan Karate firearm disarming techniques.

Fuck that, I like living.

I like living so much that I know REAL self defense starts with situations. You don't want to have a gun stuck in your face outside a ghetto grocery store? Don't just stroll around corners with that menacing looking face you make while you ponder something mundane, like how much propane to buy. Sure it's not like that happens every third Wednesday of the month, but I learned my lesson. When I see a Brinks truck outside, I walk calmly and smile as I walk into the store.

But what if you don't want be raped in a parking garage at night? Don't put yourself in a situation where you can be raped in a parking garage at night. Don't want to be mugged in an alley downtown? Stay the hell away from downtown alleyways. Don't want to have your neck stomped by a shitload of bikers? Don't hang around bikers. Situational awareness is real self defense. If your assailant has a gun and he wants you naked and bent over for his pleasure...

...then you're getting fucked sweetheart. It's too late. No loud screams and toe stomps are going to help you.

You need to survive, and the only way to do that is to passively control the situation at hand. The only time you try to actively change the situation is if the attacker attempts to go somewhere else with you. Do not let the assailant take you to another place, and DO NOT let them stick you in a car. You are dead if you do, just ask any cop. If all he's looking to do is play hide the salami in the parking lot next to your Jetta, then you're just gonna have to take it because you didn't have someone walk with you to your car.

It's your responsibility to keep your ass from getting attacked. I know that doesn't jive with our American idea of defending yourself being something that you're only supposed to be forced to do -- but it's the truth.

That's right, its your responsibility to not drive a nice Mercedes CLK convertible around Compton at 3:00 AM with the top down. It's your responsibility to keep your temper down when dealing with someone who can obviously mop the floor with you. That's right, it's up to you. Superman aint gonna save your ass, and neither am I.

Your children need to be defended too. This is why you teach them about stranger danger, and why they shouldn't accept any food or candy or anything from anyone but their family or teachers. They need to be inside by dark, and they need to know why. They need to know your address, telephone number, and your full name as well as any other emergency contact information at the drop of a hat. You need to quiz them about how to get out in case of a fire. You need to make sure they know how to come to you if someone does something inappropriate. It's your responsibility to protect your children until they can protect themselves. This is done by example, and you should lead it. My kids know all of this stuff, and they're 2 and 4 years old.

If you don't know how to disarm a knife wielding madman, well fuck a duck.

It's not something everyone gets to know unless you're willing to get into knife fights. I've been stabbed twice and cut more times than I care to admit. What, you're bothered by the fact that you don't know exactly how to handle 4 or more assailants? Well, it's not something you get to learn unless you're willing to get into a fight with 4 or more people at once.

But you see, that's not defending yourself. That's handling the situation once it's passed the early stages of your original defense. You wanna learn how to handle situations like those, then FIGHT LOTS OF PEOPLE. Better yet, fight people who can possibly kill you. You thought it was fun getting that black belt? Wait till you feel the rush of kicking a dickhead through a plate glass window. Wait till you snap around looking at 10 guys writing in pain on the ground because they did not know who they were fucking with. Wait till you get your ass beat by a really tough son of a bitch, and remember the feeling you get when you analyze what you did wrong. Fight hundreds of people, and you'll learn what to do AFTER real self defense has failed.

Ever seen Knockaround Guys? It's a movie with Vin Diesel in it. I'm not a big fan of his, and I couldn't even tell you why I was watching that movie, but there's a scene where Vin's character explains what being a real tough guy means. Read the script here. Just search for the words "five hundred" and read on.

But in real life, like his character, you have to be a criminal to experience these kinds of things...so why bother?

Don't go signing up for some self-defense course run by a jackass with a black belt in bullshit. Unless this person is educating you on how to stay away from known dangers, with situational control, then you're jeopardizing your life. If you want to know how to avoid danger, ask a police officer what common mistakes he sees when he's standing over a dead body in a crime scene. He'll GLADLY tell you what you should do to protect yourself. He'll be relieved you asked because nobody ever asks him questions like that.

Better yet, ask a female police officer. Even male cops have testosterone and they all think they know Karate.