James and the giant SLUT

Please take a look at this man.

His name is James. You can find his colorful MySpace profile here.

This fantastic human being has decided he's got a mission so important, that he doesn't need friends. No no, he's looking for that special "one person" to spend eternity with. He can't be bothered with the mundane MySpace bullshit that the rest of us simpletons engage in. He doesn't need to wear kid gloves or beat around the bush.

Oh no, he's above all that. You see, James is a Jehovah's Witness.

He loves Jesus. Oh yes he does. He loves Jesus and his faith so much that he finds it necessary to pick up his cross daily and be more like Christ in every action he does. He's also a father. Oh, and he hits the gym often. He's living his life to the fullest, and he isn't interested in wasting a moment of that fantastic life.

"I don't have time to read books in general unless I have to. I'm too busy living life."

Wow, what a statement James. I'm moved. Unfortunately, I think you're a liar and so empty inside that you need to tear down other people to make yourself feel better about the wasteful existence you're swimming through everyday.

I think you're so afraid to admit to anyone [let alone yourself] that you don't know who you are. You're scared of death and what will happen to you after you die that you've joined a faith that makes you feel exclusive and separate from everyone else. Better.

Jehovah's Witnesses believe that only 144,000 people will make it into heaven. They're so sure that Jesus only wants this many souls that they strive everyday to be more like him in deeds and in words.

Only James is a very shitty Jehovah Witness.

You see, James is busy looking for that special someone. He's busy living his life and prowling the MySpace profiles of women for that special someone. This great search has responsibilities you see, and James has taken them very seriously. James has made it his mission to personally explain to every woman out there who ISN'T that "special someone" -- just why they aren't good enough for him. Or for anyone. Lemme show you an example he sent to my good friend Kenna:

"I KNOW what you are and just like ALL whores and sluts you are in denial even though everyone ELSE can see what you are.. Shame you are so mentally messed up in the head! Sorry for telling you what everyone ELSE can see about you... I just can't resist when I see scum like YOU! I hope you make it to your next bday.. don't die of aids you SLUT!"

Wow James, you're a catch! I'm so amazed your wife left you! What the hell was she thinking? I mean, obviously she didn't want the pressure of living with God's chosen member of the 144,000 who can dispense hate and vile persecutions of truth! And how dare Kenna just lazily live her life oblivious to the fact that she's a slut?

Boy she's sure thankful that an enlightened, good-hearted member of God's loving family came out of the woodwork and interrupted his search for that special someone just to make sure she knew her place. I know because she told me how much it meant to her.

I want to thank you James. There are times when I lose hope and think this planet is doomed because of its indifferent approach to life. Duchebags like you make it readily apparent that we're all much better human beings than I give us credit for.

Because you see James...worthless, wasted, pathetic human beings like you are rare and come along much less frequently nowadays. Even with the advent of the internet and the explosion of worldwide communication, we come across pieces of shit like you less and less.

You really are an important person James. You've been placed here, along with the other 139,999 other cult members you call your family for a special purpose. You have fulfilled the greatest service to mankind that any one person can: You have illustrated how not to behave.

It's a sacrifice I know. And for choosing to be an empty void of a person...on purpose...you have sacrificed the only thing we really have in this world; our lifetime. You have sacrificed the most valuable thing you could so that we could all see what it would be like to be you. Your daily existence, every breath you take and every lesson you teach your children are the most precious gifts we can ever have. You let them rot by the wayside to be this example for us.

Jesus has a special place for you indeed. I hope you get there soon too, because while I appreciate your sacrifice -- I know it must be such a burden.

Fuck you and every gene you pass into our collective body of humanity, James.

UPDATE: [3-13-2006] You may have noticed that if you click the link to his MySpace profile, that it's no longer there. I considered this to be like him screaming out "You sank my Battleship!" but as it turns out, he was yanked! I love it! FLAME ON!!!