I knew Seven when...

To: sevenbates@yahoo.com
From: Ken Murkot: aka Jagular

Re: How we turned 7 to the dark side of the force...

I remember it pretty vividly, at least as far as memories go.

It was back in 1987. It was summer vacation before my senior year in highschool. I would've been 17. That would make my brother 16. We had just moved back to Texas, and were living with a really good friend of the family. They must've been a really, great friend indeed, on account of there were five of us, self included. Five people in one house isn't really a bad thing, but they already had five to start with. Well, six if you count seven twice. Seven was a really big kid, but that was a long time ago. Now he is a big man.

It's hard to think of Seven as being smaller than me, but I know that he once was. Now mind you, this was way back in 87. He must've been around eight years old. It was always hard to know how old that kid was. When someone is as large as 7, I think the natural tendency is to treat him like he is older than he is. For myself, I didnt want to treat him any way at all.

I was a teenager and he was, well, a pest.

There are three very distinct ages in childhood. The first is at about the age of three, when a child first learns that they can do things by themself. At that age, they begin to think, and to their eternal damnation, to ask "why?"

"why are you going to the store?"
"to buy some food"

"why are you going to buy food?"
"so we will be able to eat."

"why do we need to eat?"
and so on...

When that is over, kids get pretty dull.....until about the age of 8. At about the age of eight, here come the why's again. I could never figure that out. Didn't you learn all of your why's five years ago? Gimme a break, kid. A child's face can say a million words. Especially the mouth part of the face.

And of course, the third age that is very distinct is at about the age of 17. At that age, once again, comes a sudden need to ask the "W" question. "Why are you sticking me with watching an annoying kid who can't stop asking me 'why'?" I was tempted to kill him. My brother flipped me for it. We obtained a weapon, rope, gag, and shovel. We were waiting for opportunity.

Motive was not really a problem. But then we had a twinge. Not of guilt. Nope. 'That kid needed killin', in Texas, is a perfectly good defense in court. It was more of a curiosity. Would it be possible to convert this kid to the dark side of the force? Could it be done? I sure would save a lot of diggin'. Grave diggin' is tough to start with, but thinking of the hot Texas sun, especially in the summer, and the sheer size of that kid, it was a daunting task. Oh, but to convert him...was it possible?

Aw, what the heck. I didn't have anything better to do. I mean, in the meantime, all we were doing was making a scale model of the starship enterprise out of old pieces of graph paper we had laying around. We eventually finished it and hung it from the ceiling with a piece of fish string. It had a little motor and fan in the back and a little lightbulb in the front. Must've been three feet long. So out of sheer boredom, and the prospect of having to dig a very large hole, we set about the task of taking a perfectly good, although obnoxious, little kid and turning him into every mother's example of "what will happen to you if".

It didnt take long to start seeing a change. In retrospect, he must have been willing, or just a fast learner. The first thing we did was to teach him the lyrics to the old bowser and blue song "polka-dot undies" (see attached mp3*) It's not the most vulgar song in the world.

Unless you know 7's mother. She didn't take no lyrics off nobody.

It was great to watch when she first heard him singing it. Every time she thought he was going to cuss, her hand went back, almost to a fist, and then the rhyme would change and the hand would come down. Then would come another one. She would go to call his name, most likely with the middle name included and with the inflection that only a mother can put into a name. Then the rhyme would change again. You kind of have to know the song to appreciate it.

I always liked 7's mother. I think she is the only one outside of my family who I ever knew who would give with no thought of return. It's an admirable trait. And of course, she let us all live in her house. Coming from Georgia at the time, we were especially thankful.

Georgia is a different kind of place. For those people not old enough to really remember Jimmy Carter, think of the bench that Forrest Gump was sitting on. Or hogzilla. I'm pretty sure that Hazzard county is in Georgia.

Anyhow, six weeks later, Seven was a pro. I dont know for sure, but I would bet that at one time or another in his life, he has cussed a cop, shaved his head, smuggled contraband from mexico, pirated greater than 100gb of software, hacked at least one computer, kicked a dog, spit on someone, beat up the wrong person, dumped someone for looking like his ex, and swerved to hit something. I would also bet that he can tell you the difference between who and whom.

I still have never met mrs.7 but if I ever do, I will apologize to her accordingly.

* = Just Google Bowser & Blue: Polka Dot Undies. People have it, and they're willing to share it. I'm not, because I don't want the MPAA at my door, but I suggest you get this song. I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw that Ken had found it.