Strange tales from BFE...

This little piggy ate the market.

So they called out the boys from National Geographic to confirm that the Southern Georgia monster hog, known to locals as Hogzilla, was indeed real - and really, really freakin big.

People began to suspect that Ken Holyoak, [seriously, that his name] the owner of the 1,500-acre fish farm and hunting preserve where "Hogzilla" was shot, and Chris Griffin, the fella who plinked the massive hog, were telling a big fish story. After all, the photo they took of the animal they claimed was 12 feet long, and weighed over 1000 lbs, could have easily been faked. Adding to the difficulty in proving their story, these two mental midgets decided to BURY the gigantic hog in the middle of nowhere, cuz that's what you do when you shoot the largest Razorback in history.

Donning biohazard suits to exhume the behemoth's smelly remains, the experts estimated Hogzilla was probably only 7 1/2 to 8 feet long, and weighed about 800 pounds. The confirmation can be seen on the National Geographic channel, in all its gory detail. Oh yeah, must see TV.

"He was an impressive beast. He was definitely a freak of nature," said documentary producer Nancy Donnelly. She noted that Hogzilla's tusks - one measuring nearly 18 inches and the other nearly 16 inches - set a new Safari Club International North American free-range record. Whatever the hell that is...again, a record these two bunglers would never have been awarded because they decided to make the largest slice of ham, a giant blue-plate-special for worms.

"I need to stress that they did not have that much to work with, seeing as how the poor beast had been underground for nearly six months" - Ken Holyoak.

Despite the dispute over Hogzilla's exact size at the moment of death, this town 180 miles south of Atlanta has already adopted Hogzilla as its own. It went with a Hogzilla theme for its fall festival, with a parade featuring , I shit you not, an actual Hogzilla princess, little children in pink piggy outfits, and a float carrying a Hogzilla replica.

This is why people think southerners are stupid; cuz they are.

My favorite soundbite from this whole thing comes from none other than a Miss Darlene Turner, who is so devoid of things to do in her white trash, one horse town, that she actually hosted a party to watch the documentary. When asked how she felt upon hearing the news of the confirmation she was quoted as saying. "Our insides were just bubbling!".

Oh yeah, so were the pigs'...

I just wish I could see the look on the face of the guy who had to dig up the damn pig for these two yokels. I mean damn, they're out there among good ole American, corn-fed, country folk, who only drive full sized pickups -- all capable of hauling the half ton beast to a local taxidermist or news station. What the hell were they thinking, and more importantly, why did they wait six months before they finally had someone other than themselves see it?

All I know is, I am NEVER running around the Georgia/Alabama back-country anytime soon without an elephant gun.