Whatcha gonna do....

Bad boys and the girls who love them. Ah yes. We've been in this territory before.

Sonic brought this up, in reference to a conversation he had with a friend. He's curious what exactly makes a bad boy, and why on earth women are attracted to them. Mind you, Sonic is single so he's curious for a good reason. He sees women dating losers everywhere and doesn't get it. Who does?

I've been a believer for a long time that we are inherently attracted to that which retreats from us. It's amazing how people develop a "type" and either pursue it exclusively, or dance around with the occasional oddball in between. Either way, they have some trait or overall "thing" that gets their juices flowing for one person more than another. In many cases, this type is merely a fantasy that floats above the reality of their relationships. Perceived similarities take on special significance, even with a seemingly lousy candidate.

Attraction takes on a whole new dynamic when you consider that in our modern society, human beings change beauty standards and methods of courtship so rapidly now. What used to be important to some people before isn't important anymore, and the next fad isn't easily predictable.

This isn't exactly a new concept, but the standards for women seem even more confusing than ever. When you ask a large sample of the population of women in this country about things like how important looks are, and what personality traits they look for in a man, you get an overwhelmingly (and eerily) similar response:

#1 Looks aren't as important as personality.
#2 Sense of humor. (I want a man who makes me laugh)

Okay, so what's up with that? Having a sense of humor is relative. Sure, an example of a guy with a quick wit, who observes life in a humorous way and keeps a generally upbeat nature is great. Lets say women like an overall happy and fun person to be around. It's more pleasant than some guy who's always depressed. I suppose only girls who like Robert Smith, really look for the melancholy Goth boy -- so their percentage doesn't count.

The thing is, while humor is important, Robin Williams would drive a woman to ritual suicide.

The "looks aren't too important" line is obviously an attempt to avoid seeming exclusionary and shallow in a survey, because we plainly consider physical appearances when it comes to attraction. That's human nature on a primal level. So why would this common answer be so vague and misleading?

Because we have no idea what we want.

Westerners in particular are romantic fools. We've developed a belief structure outside of established religion (yet clearly influenced by it) wherein there's someone "out there" for everyone. A "soulmate" if you will. Every aspect of our modern culture has adopted this belief structure to varying degrees. What's truly fascinating is how we've recycled this romantic ambiguity into fresh flavors for each new generation of western culture since (from what I can tell) the pre-Victorian era.

Romance is a dogma for people who want to believe their lives aren't random happenings. Hoping that love isn't chance, we anthropomorphize it with god-like benevolence. It can't be bought with money. It's honest and pure. In many ways, we actually twist God into it -- everything from the half-hearted internal prayers that some hot person would land in your lap, to organized religious functions for singles to get together and pray for this cosmic link to lead us to our destiny. We've decided to believe, with some variances in implementation, that there's something bigger than ourselves controlling love.

As a result, we've created behavior patterns that oppose seemingly logical coupling. Courtship in this country has taken on so many radical changes in the 20th century that we've established a new "no structure" system of meeting people. We're feeling each other out for brief moments to see if there's compatibility. We're looking for that spark. That special something. That feeling that tells us we're not alone and companionship can be found with this person. The soulmate!

This has become so established that opposing it means you're simply playing the field. You're not looking to settle down with that special someone. You're just having fun. Meeting people. Hooking up. No big deal. You're not looking for a soulmate...you just know what you're attracted to. We all end up trying so hard to to not look desperate.

This is where people like my friend Sonic find themselves scratching their heads trying to figure it all out. And rightly so. It's confusing as hell.

Women add to it the mystery of feminine desire. For us guys, attracting a mate has motivations from parts of us that seem very primal. Sure, we play it cool and buy Michael Bolton records to get girls in bed...but in the end, we're still trying to come up with the best peacock tail for chicks to check out. We want to be desired just like women do.

And by the way I would just like to say that the Michael Bolton + liquid panty remover system of getting laid is hereby forbidden, okay guys? Come on. Nobody likes that guy...we were all coming off all the cocaine we did in the 80's. We needed something to latch onto, and screwing with saxophones in the background was already popular in the movies.

Either way, men and women have also recently changed their long-standing roles in relationships and families as a whole. The equality foothold that feminism has granted women, thrusts them into the dating scene as a participant; not prey. We still try to hold onto some old-fashioned ideas of a man doing the chasing, but the playing field is very different now than it used to be just a generation or two back. The rules have increased in numbers and complexity. The intricate mating dance, just got really tricky and I think we're witnessing a burp in the system.

That's right, I said a burp. Lemme explain.

Lets say you like blondes. Sure, you'll happily date a brunette, but blondes get your attention easily. You zone in on em when you walk into a room. Now lets say you like em buxom. Sure, you'll date a skinny girl but when a gal with curves crosses your path you hoot and holler on the inside like a big bad wolf. You got yerself a type buddy. Now, while I don't want to oversimplify and just give way to hyperbole...I will say this. When it comes to personality types, men pretty much want one thing:

That the chick we like, likes us back.

Sure we want communication and understanding. Some of us want someone nurturing for raising families and whatnot, and we all seem to like a girl who laughs at our jokes. Some guys think chicks are hot when they're gregarious or angry and some guys want meek little submissive girls. Either way you like your coffee, you still want em to like you back. Since we're no longer clubbing them over the head and dragging them off to the cave, we try to make em wanna come into the cave willingly.

Women have a similar system, although it doesn't seem that way at times. If you want some wisdom imparted to you on your journey, go ask any old swingin' hipster at the senior citizen center. He's been chasin tail since before your pappy was in his pappy's pants. He'll tell you the same: a woman can change her mind at any moment. Period.

It's for this reason that "bad boys" get laid.



In reality, we all know there's a vague description of a bad boy. The picture above is one of my favorite examples of the cliche because its actually from a gay mens clothing magazine. The definition is subjective because its different for each woman. Sure, the similarity is that the guy isn't the ideal boyfriend her parents would approve of, but sometimes good girls marry that bad boy. A woman who isn't trying to settle down in this modern age, can chase a fantasy. They can change their minds. They can pursue what they want, or what they desire.

They can even chase after a fantasy ideal, and look for some suburban yuppie who really likes motorcycles and tattoos, or a dweeb with a macho complex. Even if he's a fake badass, the perception creates the mystique. If you understand how much of a woman’s attraction to you is based on her perception of you as a whole, then you can begin to grasp this concept.

I think its the same thing as dating a redhead.

Seriously. If you've never tried this activity, get out there and find one. I'm sorry to perpetuate a stereotype, but man it fits. Redheads will wear you out. It takes a special kind of man to handle one long-term. Sorry girls, it's true...though you auburn girls are tame compared to the fire engine redhead Irish lassies. I'm really talking about them.

The thing about attraction in this systemm we've developed is that it skews the really good candidates, and makes them seem less ideal. Like you're settling. Think about all the people who you know who date the wrong people. Consistently. You can think of friends and family right now who continue to chase after the very kind of person who is the worst for them. You know it. You've told them! They keep breaking their hearts over complete losers! Why?!

Some people say it's low self esteem. I call bullshit.

Sure, low self-esteem can have a lot to do with why you choose to date people who use you and take advantage of you. You don't think you deserve someone who could treat you any better. Most people operate under a self-induced fantasy land where they think they want true love but they have so much internal emotional baggagee that they sabotage any chances at real happiness with someone -- by systematically eliminating the good candidates from the running. I've seen it done so many times, by seemingly intelligent people, that I'm in awe of the power of the human mind to bullshit itself into submission.

Example: an attractive, independent friend of mine dates a guy who's been to prison, uses her, and leaves her feeling like shit every time he breezes in and out of her life (i.e. booty call) and she just yearns for him to be the one. Nothing about this woman would lead you to think she'd be attracted to a loser like this. You see her with some stable guy, maybe a tax lawyer, who drives a BMW and enjoys smooth jazz. To her, that guy is so boring she would fall asleep upon meeting him. I'm telling you, it's systematic.

But low self-esteem has less to do with why we date losers than the fact that we've stacked the deck against us by eliminating logic from courtship. Love conquers all, and unfortunately, love is defined by modern western culture as something you feel inside.

Look at the facts. Over 60% of marriages end in divorce in this country. That number jumps to astronomical levels when you factor in regional areas or economic factors. If you live in a rural area and make a pretty good living, you have close to an 80% chance at a successful marriage. (Based on a 40 year data study, separating age, region, and income.) What do they do differently in some redneck town than we do? Well, you can still find people in these categories who consider a union for all it's worth. Old fashioned things that seem a lot less romantic than love at first sight.

Take arranged marriages for example. Sure, they seem insane to us but most marriages on this planet are arranged. They're so successful in comparison, its no contest. It's a union of logic and potential. The wedded couple meet for the first time at the altar, and then work for the next 50 years at bringing about a family and stability. You bet your ass they fall in love. I've known a number of Indian couples who will tell you how it happens. How the dedication to the union creates a partnership. You're both working at this thing, to bring about something special. You sacrifice, and compromise. You give and take.

Sure, the idea of getting married to have kids and make a family seems weird to a lot of Americans nowadays, but it's important to Indian culture. They don't fantasize about having a flat in Manhattan with multiple lovers and nothing to tie you down and keep you away from your bungee jumping and indie rock bands. Okay, they fantasize about it like mad, but they still stick to a traditional marriage system that hasn't changed much in a thousand years or so.

The cultures who engage in arranged marriages have a few things in common. Courtship for them, is handled much like it has been for generations. This consistency establishes traditions that are upheld and considered important. Sure we all buck the system occasionally, and modern technology makes this world so small that even these cultures are becoming exposed by western ideas of romance.

But in the end, they don't have such a mixed up mess when it comes to partnership. They look at things like family history, potential, financial prosperity, and family support. They look at the boring stuff. They consider our obsession with romantic love, as alien as we consider the idea of walking into a bedroom with a total stranger who is now your wife/husband...with the understanding that you're about to have sex, to seal the deal.

I have the benefit of marrying a woman who wasn't my "type".

Through most of my adolescence, I dated blondes. I don't know why. I was a kid, okay? I dated really mean, short, little blonde Texas girls, (typically, German) who chew you up and spit you out. I was completely snookered by a good handful of them, and could easily see myself divorced from one or two of them by now if I hadn't met the perfect person for me in Kayla.

She was the antithesis of my type. She was incredibly witty and nice. She was six damn feet tall, and had rich brown hair, with brown eyes. She was educated and cultured. She didn't think Skynard was cool, thought Republicans were idiots, and sent me mix tapes of bands like Cake, and the Derailers. She wasn't impressed by me one bit, and didn't need a man in her life to complete her. (which is still incredibly hot)

And probably the biggest difference was she wasn't a Texan! If you're from the Lone Star State...you know how big that one is.

Fortunately she wasn't close by or I would have ruined it. We lived 1500 miles apart and were dating other people when we became friends. Over time I discovered that the cute girl from California was the ultimate woman and that I would be the stupidest man to ever live if I didn't make her mine. Long story short, this woman who I had nearly nothing in common with is the greatest human being I have ever met and I can't imagine how I got around with my head up my ass all those years.

Not exactly an arranged marriage, but my feelings of romantic love were increased profoundly by how well the puzzle pieces fit together. I knew that she and I could be friends for the rest of our lives. I was more attracted to her for practical reasons than I had been with any woman before. Passion runs thin, and when you find someone that possesses everything that you know you should end up with -- JUMP ON IT!!!

Believe me, I'm a bad boy when she wants. It all works out.