Bruised Egos or "How to beat people up"

Okay, I'm not a violent person.

Stop laughing, and shut up...I don't have an anger management problem and I do not beat people up all the time.

I happen to be a bouncer, or at least I have been working as one quite a bit lately. My chosen profession, is of course information technology, but smacking people around for money is a fast buck and the IT industry has sucked ass lately, so the cash is good.

People who know me, know that I'm a big fella. Just click the links to the left and you will find some pictures of me, yeah, I'm not a jockey. I'm also not one of those guys who struts around claiming to be a "badass". I can't stand people who act tough, it has never made sense to me, and maybe it's because I can mop the floor with just about anyone, that the whole concept of wearing that on my sleeve seems so foreign.

That's why I got into it with this monkey the other night.

First of all, I'm not proud of this...seriously. Anyone reading this who can really handle their own knows exactly what I mean when you come across someone who needs to be taught a lesson; it's not fun, but you know it has to be done. This guy, with a closed fist, punched a woman (girlfriend, wife, I dunno) right in the face. Clipped her right in the jaw and sent her to the ground, hard. They were merely arguing, and she never laid a hand on the guy. (not that it really matters if she did or not)

Sorry folks, thems grounds for a country ass whoopin'.

He's lucky I was the only redneck in the vicinity, or he would have had a shitload of shitkickers on his neck. Seriously, he really laid one into this woman. Any other good-ole boys and it would have been a riot of "Sumbeeech" and "Gall Dern Piece ah Sheeeit" right there. I kept a cool head and merely smacked him a good one, sent him to the pavement, and asked him if he'd like another.

Apparently he did.

Now here is where I went and got myself into trouble. He's one of those guys (and smacking a lady around should have clued me in on this) with an ego the size of Nebraska....and a severe "You insulted my pride" dysfunction. These guys never stay down and think they have to prove something by getting up over and over. That sucks. This is where you have to begin thinking about how long it's going to take before this guy learns his lesson, how much damage is he going to sustain by keeping at it, and is he gonna keep this up long enough for the cops to show up? Suddenly you're taking his well being into consideration, and its awkward. You know you want him to remember this the next time he thinks about laying a hand on a woman, but you don't want him to remember because he's never going to walk again.

Even if he cold-cocked a woman in the jaw, he doesn't deserve permanent injuries. And if you disagree with me, remember...a man can be taught to fish without having to be pounded into fish bait.

So of course he gets up eventually. I asked her if she was okay, she said she was. He starts spewing off about how I should mind my own business, yadda yadda yadda. Usually, and even if this isn't a girlfriend or wife, the woman will start begging you to not hurt the guy right about now. I looked at her, and you know what, I didn't see anything there that said "please don't". Not a damn thing.

Now, teaching a man not to hit a woman isn't something you can do easily in 5 minutes or less. This is a severe problem that is rooted deep within his own insecurities and fears. The only reason a man would ever hit a woman is if he felt threatened in some way. Even if this threat is merely emotional, and entirely based on an attack towards what he considers to be his "manhood" or some other socially distorted ideal like that, the reaction can become violent if the man hasn't established his identity around something other than bravado and beer.

This guy must have been doing Fonzie impressions while sippin' a cool Budweiser in front of his mirror as a teenager. He was textbook.

He was also positive that he was a "Kung-Fu Master" because when he finally did get back up he started doing what I assume was some awkward attempt at the Chinese fighting arts. He did have the free flowing movement thing down, though. Nothing about what this guy was doing, said Shotokan. He was crouched down in something resembling a form. This is kung-fu motha fucka....can't you see?

"Before you study art, study etiquette. Before you study Wushu, study manners" - Chinese Proverb.

So either way, he went down a few more times and finally broke. This is where I picked up my fumble, and good thing I did too because he was beginning to fight out of desperation before he finally stopped. Desperation fighting leads to broken bones and a kind of jogger-high. You just shut off the pain and swing...and at that point there isn't a way to really stop a guy unless you knock him out.

In the movies, getting knocked out is a common occurrence. The problem is people don't really understand that this state of unconscious drooling is really brain damage. You don't ever want to hit someone so hard in the head that the lights turn off. There's a significant chance he will not wake up again, and after all -- we're looking to teach a lesson. Ya gotta be awake for this one.

Once he fell down the last time, he looked up at me and kind of covered his eyes with his fists (turned backwards oddly enough) and he screamed:

"What the hell are you hitting me for?!"

"Because you shouldn't hit a woman like that, and you know it."

"Fuck you, she doesn't need a fuckin' hero."

"I'm not a hero, I'm just a guy. Like you."

"Fuck that, I'm not like you. I don't just go around assaulting people because I wanna be a big man!"

"Yes you do."

He looked me right in the eye, and I saw it. Mind you he still complained about the pain he was in, and was threatening to call the cops and all that baloney, but he honestly did have the lesson burned into the back of his mind. He'll always come across the lesson with the memory of the whole thing. For a moment, I could see the clarity in his eyes. He wasn't going to admit it to me or anyone else for that matter, but it snapped right into place for him as soon as I said it.

I hope he doesn't hit women anymore. I also hope the 7-11 guy inside didn't freak out too much.